I am so sad for you Jan.
My first MIL had problems with both of her other daughters in law, they just didn't like the relationship their husbands had with their mum, they were both jealous.
I, on the other hand, absolutely loved her and tried to make up for the other two, and that made them nasty towards me as well, but I didn't care about either of them. I understood my MIL and appreciated that when she brought over her home baked goodies, she was doing it out of love, not to try and make them look bad because they didn't bake.
And when she offered advise it was because she was older, wiser and more experienced not because she meant to interfere.
Even when her son and I divorced I still would take my boys to visit her and dad, and when she died I had the wake for her at my house and it took all my self control to NOT knock both my SIL's teeth down their throats for how they treated her........ I haven't seen either of them in 30 years.
I like to think that my love for Mum made up for the the other two, she always said I was the daughter she never had.
Sadly, your son, like my two BIL's, is putting his wife and kids before you and it hurts, but he probably has no other choice if he wants to keep the peace with his wife. You need to rise above it and be strong dear friend.
The day will come when he wakes up to her and like any Mum, you will embrace him and forgive him his harsh, hurtful words, it's what we women do.
And do you know something?
You are not alone.
I believe there are thousands of women, Mothers of married sons, who suffer at the hands of jealous DILS.
Hold your head up high and give your love to the ones who deserve it.
Huge hugs and love, Meg
My family split apart when I was a teen, due to the death of both my parents. My sister was always cruel to me. of course I have connection issues and have had to let go of a few other folk along the way. It hurts so much to not be able to reach out to them. Sometimes it is due to mental health or other health issues. I just learned that Parkinson's can have a major affect. Hallucinations and such, which is what someone I love dearly has that I had to break free of over a year ago. She contacted me last Saturday and immediately attacked. It made me start shaking and disrupted my entire day. I am considering my options now. I had to ask her not to call me after I gave her my new phone number. I got the information about Parkinson's on a commercial several hours after that happened. God does work in mysterious and miraculous ways. There is no halfway sometimes, however I feel confident that you can go all the way to have a relationship with your grands. Best wishes to you.
I am so sorry this has happened to you! My son quit school 5 days before he was set to start his junior year in college! His girlfriend and her mother told him he needed to get a job and ditch school! I was livid and she told me she just wanted my son to grow his hair long, smoke pot and get a ton of tattoos! Jimmy my son and I got into a huge fight over him quitting college and he has not spoken to me since August 19th 2015! I found out he live one street away from us! I am heartbroken and cry every day! I will pray for you and your entire family!
So sad, so sad. I will also pray for you and your family. There are soo many families with conflict.
Thank you so much!
I would try not to dwell on the hurtful way it was said to you. Your son is probably trying to make his wife happy. She sounds like one of those people who only want things with designer labels on them. Things that are mostly made in countries where the seamstress is paid maybe $1 per garment.
We have someone who is an extended family member who is always showing off labels and wouldn't consider home made items as worth while.
I don't give to ones who don't want home made but get joy out of the ones who are so pleased to get something I made.
Just feel sorry for this woman as her upbringing lacked so much love.
You are so right, both of her parents were just into themselves. One time she said to me, "I can't resent that Jason had such a good childhood." I think there was a whole lot there that wasn't said.
Good grief......I have found over the years---some people appreciate what you make and give to them and others don't---I have found that making stuff and giving it to the homeless shelters is very rewarding---I knitted cotton hearts one year and took it to a homeless shelter---I ran out of them and people were even asking for them---I need to make more AGAIN---and one even more memorable--I embroider towels with Marine Corps bulldogs and emblems and give them to Marines---active duty and inactive duty and retired---on the Marine Corps birthday--November 10 almost every year----One OLD Marine is going through alzheimer's----he has a towel I made for him several years---it hangs in the bathroom---IT IS NOT TO BE MOVED OR USED----it means a lot to him and it means a lot to me to know that all that work IS APPRECIATED by so many---a lady in a group I have been a member of for many years said she DOESN'T want any stuff I knit or embroider---and now after 20 or more years----she NOW wants them---so there are people who do appreciate homemade items---I give things to kids who are poor---they seem to be the ones who really appreciate what you do----GOD bless you and keep you safe and give you HIS peace and healing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for comforting me, but even more what you are doing for others! You have the heart of an angel.
At least they told you they didn't want the items even though I know it hurt you.
My DIL has mental problems too and is on meds and goes to mental health, etc, etc, etc. I don't like divorce, especially with children involved. It has taken a lot for me to say but I told my dh, of all our children to divorce, our son should have been the one. He is so caring, kind and will help anybody. He deserves a better mate and better life. Two of the 3 kids are grown. The oldest has negative feelings to the point of almost hate towards his mom, for how he grew up.
We see her rarely even though we are only 2 miles apart. She does come at Christmas (likely for the gifts) but really hates to take part. In fact, she got mad and went on the outside to smoke and text, I'm sure to say how we played a silly game for presents.
Anyway, the reason I said at least they told you is remember the year for Christmas I made the tee-pees? Well, I found out she BURNT the one I made her youngest son. Someone told me as they knew how much work I put into it and knew if I knew I wouldn't waste my time anymore. I don't. When I started making quilts she had the nerve to tell me she wanted one. I don't think so. One day it would be in the burn pile.
Your son may have told you so he could have more peace from her. Remember he lives with her. I know my son goes through a lot of stress living with a mental patient. He visits us regularly, but if he stays too long, she always calls him. Your son may have been over stressed and even though he may not have meant to hurt you, he had to do it to save his sanity. Don't be too hard on him. Try to understand as long as he is living with her he will do what she wants. He is probably like my son, do anything to have a little peace. Your son just wanted to stress to you no more because he gets the brunt of her anger. He has to suffer her rage.
I know you miss Ben. I feel compassion for you all around and will say some prayers for you to have a better relationship with your remaining son, even if it has to be apart from his wife. In Christian love-Toogie
Oh Toogie, you understand so much. And,knowing that we lost our Ben, it is hard to think we will lose our other son. i see him as a wimp, though. He is the only one who does any work in their home - All of It! She just goes outside and smokes pot to help her with her anxiety. It is legal here in Colorado, but it is not socially acceptable where they live. The kids see her doing this! I know cannibus can help, but the CBD part is mostly what helps people. I am so worried for the kids. Not only do they see their mom smoking pot all the time, but they have no chores, no organization. One of the kids said, "We are just a dysfunctional family."
I'm sorry to read this happens to you. At least you know now that you better please somebody else with home made gifts. They don't deserve them .I'm sure many friends or relatives would love and appreciate the things you make with love. I do hope your son will let his own feelings come back and will have respect and appreciation for you. I do think it's his wife who has the problems, but sons often think it's more important to keep the wife satisfied. And there are many sons who act like this unfortunately.....
I hope and pray this will not effect the relationship of you and the grandchildren. prayers and hugs are coming your way.
Gerry, I think you hit the nail right on the head about him just wanting to keep her from melting down. She plays the poor me role lots. She always tries to be the center of attention, it is so obvious to everyone. Maybe this isn't fair, but it seems like she likes all the pampering. They can't even have the volume on the TV so you can hear it. I believe she will get better, when she decides she wants to do it. She has counseling, but I really wonder why after 8 years of this she hasn't improved in any way I can see.
My heart aches for you Jan. I hate conflict of any kind and for you to be subjected in this way it's just so heartbreaking. I pray that God will soften her heart and let her see that it's not the way to be. Prayers for all involved. Love Chris
Thank you, Chris. Thanks for your prayers and your love.
I'm sorry for your situation. I think others have offered some sound advice. I have a sister-in-law who constantly found ulterior motives in everything I did and often brought me to tears in spite of the fact that I thought we had much in common and could be the best of friends. Finally I decided that I couldn't keep subjecting myself to so much pain and vowed to never try to be friends again. I managed to stay cordial when ever we were together, but never opened myself up again or let down my guard. Much to my surprise, she and my brother reached out to us 2 years ago and came for a visit and it was quite pleasant. We all share a love of square dancing and spent a weekend together doing that. They want us to vacation with them this summer. I don't know what brought about the change, and I'm not completely letting down my guard yet, but there is hope. Stay strong, protect your heart, and keep praying. God does work miracles.
What an amazing change, and so encouraging to me. Thanks, I need to always remember the miracles HE has already given our family. There is Hope.
Yes, I can believe this. I have a SIL with mental issues who separated my family for years. I know it's awful but understand that your son has to live with her and he will do what he needs to make life bearable. I love the advice Lillian gave. Use love even though it will be hard. And pray for strength and peace in your heart. It took years but my brother finally rejoined our family so I have hope that you and the love you express will make a huge difference for you, your son and your DIL.
Thank you so much. I do need to love her, forgive her, but for now that is really hard. I know in time I will be truly able to forgive her, i can say it now, but I don't really believe even myself. I am just so worried for the 3 kids. They used to live in Florida with us in Colorado. Now they live 3 hours away, and now we have this. So sad, as I had never had any grandkids who lived near.
Jan I am sorry that you are hurting so much at the moment. Families often give us much grief but thankfully we are able to choose our friends. I am sure that with time all will be resolved and I will think positive thoughts for you. PS talking politics can cause huge arguments not the reverse
Thanks, I just felt really attacked for NOT doing something. She had a rough childhood I know, she was home schooled for 12 years, and they didn't do a good job. She just never learned any social skills.
Know that you are NOT alone!
Thank you for reminding me. So many families go through these things. And I have my Lord and my wonderful Cutie friends to help me through. Love to you all
I'm so sorry you're going through this. When you're calmer try to think of a way to have a conversation with them about how you would like to try to get along. You might need a therapist to help you and the family with this.
She keeps sending texts that are cruel to both my daughter and to me. Truly, there is nothing either of us can figure out what we did wrong. We are both very kind and considerate, I know this came from her past. The last text was so off the wall that there was nothing I could text back to her. We are praying for guidance and understanding. Hugs, Sewmom, you have always been so encouraging.
Jan I am so sorry. Well you take those homemade items and give them to some one that will appreciate it. What they said to you was really rude Sometimes I do not understand what is happening. I for one appreciate every gift that I receive when someone has made the effort to create it themselves. You just can not please everybody even in your own family. I hope that you will still be able to have a relationship with your grandchildren.
You know, I have found that people who would never expect anything are the ones who are most thrilled with any little object I make for them. I am in my church group the Sew nd Sews, making quilts for people in our community who are going through very difficult times. That feels soo good. Thanks for your encouragement.
It's not your fault! Do not give/make anything for them anymore. You love your son I am sure. Do your best to love this lady, if you really try God's grace will help you.. Do not discuss anything she doesn't like, try to talk about things they like and do. When you get the opportunity praise her for anything she does you like. Tell her you love her when you start feeling the love that will eventually come. You say she has mental issues. Never ever bring them up. If there is anything you can do to help them offer to.. I know you are crushed right now but your Grands are worth you trying your best for.. Mine bring me so much joy. I only have 3 but they ask to come to see and spend time with me. From your other message I think you are depressed and that why this has hurt you so badly. You can and will get over this but you will have to be nice to her and in time the love will come.
She really loves cats as I do, and so I was trying to talk about some cute things her cats were doing. She said we couldn't have a shallow relationship just making small talk about cats. I guess there is no value in small talk. It is so hard. I feel like she is trying to suck me into her illness too.
So sad to hear this...I hope things will calm down and your son will realize that it is his wife that needs help and that he needs to see that she gets it.
I think what bothers me a lot is that he didn't give me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he could have told me kindly long ago. I didn't understand that me giving them things and making things for them was such an awful thing.