I've been trying to find the words to tell my story. My youngest daughter is getting a divorce. That's not the hard part. The hard part is saying that she has been emotionally neglected and abused for the last few years and didn't want us to know. He has called her terrible names and accused her of awful things, and punished her for perceived wrongs. She has told us that she is thankful they didn't have any children, because she probably wouldn't have ever left. She goes to court this week for the beginning of the divorce process, and her lawyer is even having to petition the judge for a temporary restraining order against him. She has almost 300 pages of printouts of his text messages to her in the last three months showing the awful things he has told her. Some days he sent her over 50 horrible texts. She isn't allowed to block his number until after the first court date which is Thursday. Please pray for my daughter during this time as she rebuilds her life. Thank you Cuties.

This brought tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to you and her. I lived a similar situation when I was younger and I had small children ages3, and twins 18 months old. My family had no idea what I was living through. I left and never went back and she can too. I will pray for her to find the strength and that she has the support she needs to make it through the hardest times of this. I learned a very valuable lesson through my experience that I hope she can use. She is worth it!!! When dealing with this look at the experience as "what did I learn that I can use in my life to make me stronger"?, and the rest I will lock up in an iron box and throw into the sea. Its not worth hanging on to.


I am so glad she does not have children with him, it makes the pain so much harder, and he uses them to tear you down.


She will be so much stronger when this is over.


Let her know we are all praying for her.


I hope her court hearing went extremely well!


Hugs


Diane

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by parkermom 12 Oct 2017

Thank you for your kind words. I will share this post and others with her. One of her friends told her that "He HAS to be him, but you GET to be you." She wrote that on her mirror. I am grateful for the support I've found here on Cute.

update--she had the first court appearance today, and while she had tears, she did great. He was there too, but she didn't speak nor did he. There was an order entered for no harassment or "bothering" by any means, including electronic and social media. No contact of any kind except through their attorneys. It was an emotional day, but she did well. She didn't sleep at all the night before and all she wanted to do after was go back to her apartment and sleep. Thanks to all of you for your prayers and helpful and kind words and support. It means so much.

The first time I read this I could not respond. So I am waiting for an update. She is a survivor and will come out stronger in the next chapters of her life.

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by parkermom 12 Oct 2017

Update in the works. Thank you so much.

OMG, this just sickens my heart.......your daughter will be surprised at how powerful she is when she starts to rebuild everything this jackass tore down......Yes, it will be difficult, but with the love and support of her friends, she will thrive!! Blessings on her and prayers........

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by parkermom 12 Oct 2017

She is eager to start a new life. She has a wide support system, and they,along with her faith, will make sure she has listening ears and helping hands.

So sorry to hear this. Your daughter must be strong to keep it to herself for so long. Prayers for continued strength as she goes through this next stage and rebuilds her life.

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by parkermom 12 Oct 2017

Thank you. Once she regains some of her confidence back, she will be unstoppable.

So sad when things go so wrong. Society needs to stop telling men that treating women badly just means they are manly! So glad she is strong enough to break away. Also sorry to hear the other stories, like Meganne. You all are in my prayers. I heard a report just tonight about how difficult it is for women in Peru to get any protection from abusive men in their lives. Everyone, please remember this when raising your sons and daughters. Macho is not how to be a man and women need to be strong as well. Sorry about preaching to the choir, but this really upset me tonight.

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by parkermom 12 Oct 2017

Her strength has amazed me. It's been an emotional day, but she made it through. That's so true about raising our children to be strong, yet sensitive people.

What a blessing she has had the courage to start divorce proceedings. It takes much courage to do this. Just be ther for her while she goes through these sad times. They loved each other once but sometimes things just don't work out. Thinking of you all.

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by parkermom 11 Oct 2017

I am so proud of her faith and her strength and courage. She can honestly say that she gave it her all, and he can't say that.

Prayers are with your daughter. God Bless you both

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by parkermom 11 Oct 2017

Thank you so much. The hardest thing is knowing that she was embarrassed and ashamed to let us know about it.

Prayers for your daughter's safety and ease of mind, plus wisdom for the judge and for you - well, that you will continue to be her rock during this time. God bless.

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by parkermom 11 Oct 2017

Thank you so much for your prayers. It's gonna be hard tomorrow but she will be ok.

I am so sorry your daughter and you are now living this nightmare. I am so proud of her to find the strength to leave. Rest easy knowing that God loves her and she will never be judged negatively for leaving him. I hope you give us updates regularly to help us keep her in prayer. Please tell her she is now part of the Cute family and is in our prayers for strength and safety and sending hugs to her daily. I'm glad you now have folks like Meganne to help support and mentor. Your daughter is no longer alone.

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by parkermom 11 Oct 2017

Your words are so comforting on so many levels. I will share your words and the words of all these other Cuties who responded with my daughter. She is very nervous about court tomorrow.

I was so sorry to read this Jenny. I pray that the proceedings go your daughter's way and that the husband gets reprimanded severely, if not jailed for what he has done to her.
We had a similar incident within our family and it wasn't pleasant. Believe me when Meg tells you to keep very wary of him, what she went through was horrendous.
Much love, thoughts and prayers go to you, your daughter and family. Love Chris

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by parkermom 11 Oct 2017

I will be sure and give an update tomorrow when it's over. It is awful that in this day and age there are women who are enduring abuse of any kind in their marriage. Thank you so much.

I have been through this with the added trauma of having two children under 5 at the time.
I won't go into details but if you will allow me to warn her, NEVER, EVER, allow herself again to be alone with him or trust him to be alone with him, under no circumstances, NOT EVER!!!
This is often very difficult to hear and accept because the love and hope doesn't always die when the marriage fails.
There is always the memory of that beautiful dream of what was going to be, that he could change. It can take years before that love and hope dies even though it is outwardly accepted that it is over. The disappointment of a failed marriage never really leaves you.
He will try to get her alone, promise to change if she goes back to him and when she doesn't agree immediately he will attack her, verbally and/or physically, and she could be seriously hurt.
I'm speaking from personal experience and not necessarily that HE would do that, but if he is as possessive, aggressive, jealous and deranged as I think he is, he is capable of anything and losing her could push him totally over the edge.
I am terribly concerned for your daughter so please, please, stress to her that she must not ever trust the charmer in him, he can't control his other side, it controls him.
I ended up with a broken cheek bone and eye socket, cuts to my face that left scars, three broken ribs, permanent damage to my lower spine and emotional scars that have lasted a lifetime, yet when he died in 2000, I was overwhelmed by my grief and still to this day he pervades my dreams.
I got off lucky, some women don't, your daughter needs to be warned because our love can run deeper than our self preservation instincts.
If you need to talk to someone, just private message me or show her my post, what ever it takes to make sure she will stay strong when she sees him again.

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by pacmp 11 Oct 2017

((Hugs)) for all you have gone through, I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Your words are VERY wise! I know that your sharing can help others to not fall victim to the same thing in their own lives, so Thank You immensely for sharing a painful lesson from your life! Pam

by toogie 11 Oct 2017

Meg, I am so thankful you and your children survived that terrible life. There are so many that don't, my DH's niece included. She had a young son, Ashley's age,about 3 at the time.
You are right about so many things here. Never let your guard down, he is too unstable. Never trust him or what he says, because he has proven over and over its not true, and he will say anything to get her back in his control. Never meet him, alone or otherwise, because when she says it's over and when his mind finally realizes that, he will snap.
If women could realize their dream of love, marriage is not his. His is control, possession, power...that is totally opposite of hers and what she deserves.
I pray for strength & courage for this young woman. She has left, now she needs the strength to protect herself, a piece of paper won't physically protect her although that is what the courts want. It didn't our niece. This is not to scare you or her more, as you are already living in a fearful situation. It is to make you AWARE. He is not stable so he will not respond the normal way. She cannot 'just talk to him'. Our niece thought she could. She was dead wrong.

by meganne 11 Oct 2017

Toogie I am so terribly sorry to read about your niece. It breaks my heart when there is another young woman, in the news, who has lost her life at the hand of the man she loved.

by parkermom 11 Oct 2017

I can't begin to say how much I treasure your responses. I hate that your families have had to endure this poisonous life. I will share your words with her. Thank you so much

so sorry to hear, but your daughter is very strong to take this step now. That is crazy that she cannot block his number..In Australia you can do that immediately with the phone company.. my love goes to her. I know you will always be there for her...hug and prayers..

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by parkermom 11 Oct 2017

After tomorrow's preliminary court proceeding, she will be able to block him. Her strength is incredible. I am so proud of her.

Prayers for safety and healing for your dear daughter, I can not stress enough for her and the whole family to be extremely cautious about their surroundings especially when they are around her, her car, work or place of residence. This is a legal step that once his details are known in court, he would likely know he will loose and likely this would make him have more difficulty in finding another marriage partner in his faith, which could all combine to make him very unpredictable. It is too bad the covenant marriage does not also protect against mental and emotional abuse as I only saw other protections and violations that were supported for reasons of divorce. It is also a very good thing that children were not conceived as likely he could become much more dangerous if he was going to loose access to any children. Hopefully he will choose to just leave her alone once the proceeding takes place, but no telling with people who have those abusive traits. Stay safe and vigilant and I do hope that beyond counseling, self defense classes that she does all she can to educate herself, from how to not fall into the victim role going forward and also to continually be growing her education so that she would never need to feel trapped in a bad marriage. Please give us periodic updates so we know how thing are going. I too hate that your family is having to learn all the things you are learning about the courts, covenant marriage divorce rules and most of all that you are needing to be looking over your shoulders at all times because of this man. Stay safe at ALL times, do not let down your guard. Documenting everything on the actual day something happened is also important as journal entries or even a calendar with the notes recorded in a day planner becomes admissible in court. Any mail, messages, unexplained things out of place- document everything I will continue to hope and pray that once this hearing is over that he will figure out that he is best off just leaving her alone and then that the 2 years will pass quickly as well as also that she will have healed herself from the things she has been living through. Hugs for all! Pam

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by parkermom 11 Oct 2017

It makes me so nervous for her to live alone now. She is moving to a new community over 100 miles away and will feel much safer there. She has documented everything and I don't think he has a clue that she has. Thank you for your wisdom and words of support and especially your prayers.

She has made the right decision, to leave. She really needs protection, as this man is unstable. I hope the judge takes what this man is doing to your daughter, very seriously.

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by parkermom 11 Oct 2017

I hope the judge does too. I'll be able to give an update tomorrow. Thank you so much.

Praying for her safety too! I know the pain is deep...but the love she gets from you, her family, is even deeper; and the love of God is deeper still!

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by parkermom 10 Oct 2017

thank you. She has a strong faith, and that will carry her through all of this. She dreads Thursday where she will see him again, and once it is over I think she will breathe and relax.

by pacmp 11 Oct 2017

She does not need to look at him. She needs to focus on the judge and on her attorney. If the other attorney asks her something in questioning to look at her soon to be ex, then first she should look to her attorney for his head nod of approval. Hopefully there would not be the need to look at him. She needs to be strong and just not allow him any control over her, if he thinks he can control her in any way, it will give him power in the future to try to manipulate her or worse feel he can get close enough to try to "charm her into returning" or worse something like what happened to Meganne. No one wants that EVER to happen!! Tell her not to look at him at all and try not to do any nervous habits that he could interpret as him getting to her. Hugs Pam

I am so sorry to hear this. I divorced many many years ago and never wanted to try again. Just lost my faith and trust in men.
My word of advise, is to document everything...no matter how small.
Tell her to keep a journal of dates, times and events. I may come in handy..
Prayers that all will go well and he will leave her alone.

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by parkermom 10 Oct 2017

He bombards her with texts daily. He told her to get out,and then called her a coward for going. She has exported all his text messages into a spreadsheet for court, and in 90 days it filled up almost 300 printed pages! After Thursday, she can block him and he will only be able to communicate through the lawyers. I hate that we are learning how to do all these things. But your prayers are precious to me, and I thank you.

This has happened to many families I know. So sorry that she did not share with you earlier. I have been divorced since 1985 and I must say to get out of a bad marriage is totally worth it. I think the one thing that helped me more than anything was exercise classes. I loved the Pilates best of all. Not only did it tone my body and give me self confidence, but was such a stress reliever. If she does not have the means to join a gym, help her by paying for it. Be sure to choose one that offers group classes. We love our children!

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by parkermom 10 Oct 2017

Their's is called a covenant marriage, where the divorce will take two years. It also requires counseling, which has already been done as far as the husband will do. So it's a legal separation for two years, and then will change to a divorce. She is moving to a place that is more secure, and where she will be taking some sort of self-defense class and also will get her concealed-carry permit for a handgun. I hate that it takes all this to be safe. But she is tough and her faith will get her through.

by toogie 11 Oct 2017

I am glad to hear this last part, self defense, weapon. He sounds just like other abuser's and like my DH niece's husband. Don't want to add to your worry, but was not a good outcome for them. Tell her to NEVER let her guard down, always be aware of her surroundings. Court restraining orders mean nothing to these men. It is a shame she has to live this way, almost paranoia to be safe, when these men should be locked up. Maybe the judge will take his text as stalking or threatening, and give him some time.

Please tell her to get some self-defense lessons. They will help her in many ways. She will become more confident in herself, get exercise and maybe needed protection from this person. Prayers for her and him, as he needs to mature.

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by parkermom 10 Oct 2017

She is going to take self-defense lessons. She realizes she is stronger mentally but not strong physically due to severe pain in her spine. Yoga or something will be perfect for her.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. My niece went through something similar, only they had two children which we are now raising. Sending prayers for the entire family. Also praying that she finds a wonderful counselor that can help her heal.

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by parkermom 10 Oct 2017

She has been attending counseling with a Christian counselor. He has helped her so much. They went to him together for couple's counseling, but husband refused to continue.

My prayers go out to your daughter and entire family. (I went through something similar years ago.) Let her know you are there for her. Counseling to help bolster her self-esteem may also be advised. This also will provide her with tools to be able not to look back and to embrace the future with courage.

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by parkermom 10 Oct 2017

She has been going to a Christian counselor who has helped tremendously. He says he never is in favor of divorce, but in this case he doesn't see any other choice.

So sorry to hear that she has been treated this way...but so glad she found the strength to get out...many never do...she has turned the corner and on her way to a better life...

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by parkermom 10 Oct 2017

I am so very proud of her for finding the strength to leave.

Please tell her the Cuties are all with her. We have gone through this with my DH's family and there is a good light at the end.

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by parkermom 10 Oct 2017

I know it is more common than we know. As each day goes by, the memory of it is fading a tiny bit of hers.

prayers are coming her way. When I read this , I think she made the right decision, she will be better of without him. It will be difficult to start over, but she had the power to go for a divorce, and will have the power to become happy again. with the help of her family and friends, prayers and hugs )))

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by parkermom 10 Oct 2017

thank you. She says that through all of this,she has learned that she is stronger than she ever imagined.