Dear cuties.........I need some spiritual guidance on what to do or say in this horrific circumstance....the vet tech who comes over every other week to help with our cats (she is soley responsible for saving Graycie's life) had a baby in Dec 2014 and I just found out that her husband found him in his crib, passed away last night.....I am speechless (he was not sick and was thriving) and hurt so badly for her, but I don't even know what to say to her......how do you help someone who just lost their 7 month old? Some advice would be so appreciated, along with prayers for her & her family........

I would suggest that in addition to all the great advice the other Cuties have offered so far, you try to be there for your Vet tech and her family in the long term after next week - sometimes people who have been there up until the funeral forget that after the initial shell-shock passes and after the ceremonial days, this couple will still need a lot of support and care and encouragement to cope with their loss. Sending my prayers for you and this family.

Update......the memorial service will be a week from tomorrow and Jim has gotten confirmation from all the quartet members to sing, so they will do The Lords Prayer and Precious Lord.......will have to take plenty of kleenex.......thanks again to all of you for your support and advice!!

2 comments

by shirley124 11 Jul 2015

Great that Jim and the others are going to sing at the service. Hugs

by pennifold 11 Jul 2015

That is so lovely of Jim and the rest of the quartet. I'm singing at a funeral on Wednesday - our organ players Mum died on Thursday last week. It won't be as sad as the funeral you'll be attending for little 7 month old. My deepest sympathy and condolences to the family and to you too Vicki. Love Chris

Just hug her and tell her know how sorry you are for their loss and offer to help in any way you can.. I knew a couple many years ago that each blamed the other in a similar situation and they wound up divorced. That should have never happened. Perhaps they did not have anyone to talk to. Kay

I am so sorry to only just read this post Vicki. My heart goes out to all of you. I love what you have done with the embroidery you did. Listening is a great art and I know you will be there for her. Prayers and loving thoughts being sent your way. Love Chris

What helped us the most was having someone listen to us talk about our precious son and the many prayers that lifted us up. Our prayers are with the vet tech and her husband. Hugs, Joyce

Oh Vicki this is heartbreaking. I agree with Gerry be there to listen & offer any support she is ready to take. Day to Day becomes a blur so as mentioned gift cards for take out or bringing a dish & anything household chores you can do to help......My prayers to the family during this devastating time. ~hugs & Prayers~

oh I'm so sorry to read this. Loosing a child so youngh and unexpected must be a nightmare. My prayers for her and family. I hope you can comfort her, pray with her, and when she wants to talk, give her the opportunity to talk about the baby. Sometimes someone who listens can give a lot of comfort. You don't have to talk, just be there for her. And if she does not want to talk, just sit with her, cry together, be silent together, your heart will tell you what to do or say...... Hugs.

My dear Vicki, what a terrible thing to happen - I am so very sorry. Just be you.

I thought of some other advice. DO mention the baby's name and talk about him, remembering the unique things about him: his smile, the way he noticed everything, the way he liked, or didn't like having his diaper changed, if he liked music, how he brightened everyone's world. And do make something with his full name on it, maybe with angels. I loved, loved, loved the image of Ben Sue made of Ben from a photo and I have stitched it for several occasions. If you could get a good photo, I'm sure she would do that for you, or some cutie who has the time and software.

I'm so very sorry for your friend & her family. I will be Praying for all of you in this loss of such a sweet little boy. I can only go by what I went through when my wonderful DH went to Heaven, and I felt so very alone. I just really wanted to know someone cared enough to be with me, no words needed. Hugs & Prayers, Judy...

I am so sorry for your friend's loss. Just be there with a warm hug and understanding ears if she wishes to talk to you regarding their loss. Cuties before me have given you good advice. Hugs to you, Sharon

How very, very sad. A close friend lost a child in similar circumstances. Sudden infant cot death is difficult for all. I am not sure how its dealt with where you are but with my friend the police had to visit the house as it was a sudden and unexplained death. They found that this made life worse for them. Small bits and pieces that were relevant to them and their son need to be saved and put where they can see them and they need to keep talking about their son. Everyone grieves differently and what suit one doesn't suit another

I'm so sorry, I will pray for them and you. no words can ever bring comfort for the loss of a child. But this group always manages to say the right words and gives the right advice.

Oh, Vicki...so very sad...like Rescuer, I have "only" miscarried...but for my husband and myself...we stopped counting after 13 of them...it is devastating and I can only imagine the grief that your friend and husband are going through...you have gotten a lot of good advice from our loving community...hug them, cry with them, be there for them as I know you will be...sometimes no words are the best words...

2 comments

by rescuer 10 Jul 2015

I agree, sometimes no words are best.
I am sorry that you know that pain...my eyes are weeping for you and my heart hurts.
Hugs

by pldc 10 Jul 2015

Kim I am so sorry that you also went through this loss. I know & understand your pain. ~hugs~

My thoughts and prayers are with them and yourself Vicki. Everyone down below has said all, so with a big hug from me. Maureen in South Africa

Vicki, this touches my heart so deeply, as I can easily empathize with your vet tech and her husband. Such indescribable grief and sadness for all. Jan (hIghtechgranny) said everything I would have said to you as to helping in this situation. An arm around them, a gentle hug, holding their hand, and crying along with them, gives such needed support through this difficult time. Prayers for them, and you.
Hugs, Angel

Vicki,You know God will carry you and them through this. She has already reached out to you. Simply hug and let her know you are there for what ever she needs from you. There's absolutely no words you can say that will make that hole in her heart go away. I agree with others, in time make some kind of memorial to give but I would wait a while to give to her. Above all just let her know you are there for her..My heart aches for you all and I am praying for you all/Lillian

2 comments

by lbrow 10 Jul 2015

BTW there is a book an old one but it is wonderful, it's The Seven Stages of Grief, I realized and recognized I had been through each stage when my husband died. You can probably find it in a Christian Bookstore or even on line. This would be nice for her to have sometime in the future but not right now

by basketkase 10 Jul 2015

Thank you, Lillian, that would be a very appropriate book for all involved, will hunt that down..

Be there anytime she wishes to talk or cry, I think friends help at times like these . and most of remember to pray for her.

Hugs and more hugs and keep handing her the tissues. Don't be afraid to cry with her. Many times words aren't needed but the touch from hugs says so much. And later when things are calmer, digitize some design honoring her son's much too brief life. My heart and prayers go out to them and to you too. I know you are grieving with them.

1 comment

by rescuer 10 Jul 2015

Yes, I should have mentioned it might be best to wait to give the gifts to her.

Thank you and God Bless you all.........we got a text from her and they are having the baby cremated (Andi doesn't think she can look at a baby casket) and then they will have a memorial.....she asked Jim if he can get his quartet together to sing at the memorial.......Jim told her to let him know when and he will make it happen. I am thrilled that she asked this of Jim as she is the type of person who never ever asks for anything.....his quartet will sing the Lords Prayer and I can expect to bawl through the whole thing as that song makes me cry anyway.........may the Lord help us all.........

2 comments

by rescuer 10 Jul 2015

I remember clearly the effect the baby casket had on my parents....hugs and prayers!

by pldc 10 Jul 2015

this is a wonderful thing that Jim & his quartet will be doing & she will remember your kindness always........

Oh Vicki, this is such sad, sad news. My heart is stunned and I weep for them. I think what you can do is to not say much, but go to her and cry with her. Go do some things at her home she will not be able to do in her state of shock. Manage the kitchen as people bring food. I couldn't write thank you cards, the words would not come, and my friends helped me. They got the mail at the post office for us. They cleaned the bath room, and folded my laundry. I was pretty much paralyzed. Make them drink water. Answer the phone for them - at one time we had all three phone lines going at the same time. Reassure her it wasn't their fault. Do NOT say it was for the best, or tell her she will "get over it" rather that she will always remember him, and that love never leaves us.

2 comments

by hightechgrammy 09 Jul 2015

And all babies go to heaven. Angels come to carry them home.

by hightechgrammy 10 Jul 2015

Flowers are very comforting, money in an envelope with a note for however it is needed is very nice, very pretty picture frames are so nice too. And if you can, do pray WITH her, actually hug her and ask God to give her peace and strength and hope.

Oh my!! I can't even imagine the pain. I wouldn't know what to say either. Hugs are the Best. I hope you find the right words. I'm so sorry I can't help. xx

My heart aches for all involved. Such a sad state of affairs. Prayers will be offered for all involved. Hugs are always nice. So very sorry.

soooo sad , you will know what to say when you see the parents ,you have been given some great advice ,

Tell her how sad you are and that you hurt for her. Give her your phone number and tell her to call when she needs someone to talk to, even in the night, which can be when one is most lonesome. Remind her often you are praying for them to have peace after this loss. Remember to call her near next big holiday, the baby's would have been 1st birthday, and anniversary of death, "just to chat" and let her know you know it is a hard day for the family.

You have received good advice, so mine isn't needed, But wanted to say I feel for the family, and YOU too, you have such a kind heart. Prayers for all.
Aleene

nothing you can say will help, so perhaps a hug?

My heart aches for them as well. Just be there for them when they need you. It is so hard to lose a child. My sister lost a little baby boy the same way. I lost my 1st Granddaughter at 4 weeks of age. She was born 3 months prem. That was nearly 29 years ago and I still think of her all the time. Time heals some of the pain but not all of it. I am sitting hear writing this with tears in my eyes. Hugs Shirley

2 comments

by pldc 10 Jul 2015

oh Shirley I too am sorry for your loss. ~hugs to you~

by shirley124 10 Jul 2015

Thanks Lorayle

My heart aches for them. I know the loss as my family lost a very special little girl at 7 years old from a blood clot from heart surgery. Maybe send a card with a note that you will be there always to listen and if they need anything do not hesitate to call. They need their space to mourn the loss in their own way. Rescuer gave excellent advice. The emotions run the gamut from anger at the world to scared of losing another loved one. Prayers are being said for your friend and all who loved this precious child. Hugs, Barba

3 comments

by graceandham 10 Jul 2015

I would add that some people need "space" to heal and some DON'T. They need help reconnecting with the world as though they feel the world has ignored their hurt and moved on. When I lost my hubby, I needed a friend to call and help talk me through it, and later, to drag me to a restaurant and try to have a normal lunch together or invite me to go walk together, that kind of thing. My friends were so shocked at me being a widow at that age, they treated me like I had the plague. "We just thought you needed time alone." I found out who were true friends and how to be loving to the bereaved.

by pldc 10 Jul 2015

a truly sad way to find out who your friends are Betsy but always better to know who will be there for you. I know this all to well

by barba edited 10 Jul 2015

I am sorry if you misinterpreted my comment. By "space" I did not mean "ignore". I only meant send a card offering to listen and be there for them when they were ready. Everyone has to do be allowed to handle situations in their own way in their own time frame. Sorry if I offended. Prayers and hugs for all. Barba

My prayers go out to the family. From personal experience of our baby daughter dying, just say you will be there for her. The best thing people did for us was helping with food, cleaning, and then helping us move. I have new neighbors that just lost their child, I have only met and talked to the husband and let him know we lost a child too and are here if we can do anything to help. His wife hasn't arrived yet from out of state. I did not give them the blanket and bibs I had made.

2 comments

by danababes 09 Jul 2015

I'd give them the blanket .. I had a baby die and I held on to every gift that was given for her. I found comfort in the fact that friends still gave us their gifts when they didn't know what to say <3

by pldc 10 Jul 2015

I am sorry for your loss too danababies & smokey12

Vicki, our prayers are with you & that family. Read & heed rescuer's advise below. She said it best & from experience. There's nothing you can do but be there. And if she want to talk about that baby, just listen. So many think poeple think if you don't talk about it the pain goes away. Talking helps...esp. us females.

1 comment

by basketkase 09 Jul 2015

Thanks so much, Gerry......yes, I know how much talking about things help, which is why I came straight here!

o so sad it is best to say how sorry you are do not ask how they are , and offer any help and some times if they feel the need to open up and chat they will. friend ship and help is needed just to say you are there for them . so sad . my niece was one day of off 6 years old.. never is anything so sad as a baby or child.
love and Hugs pam.

2 comments

by basketkase 09 Jul 2015

Thanks, Pam......

by pldc 10 Jul 2015

oh Pam I al so sorry to read of your loss.....so many of us have lost & it just doesn't seem right but alas we can pray & I do ~hugs~

I am so sad to hear this news. I think all you can do is tell them how you feel and listen. God bless you all and may you all feel God's presence during this time of despair.

1 comment

by basketkase 09 Jul 2015

Thanks, Christine.......

I have "only" miscarried but my sister-in-law lost her son the same way. Two of my brothers died very young -- so from the experiences of my mother...Important things to remember -- never say "I know how you feel" because each circumstance is different and the pain will never "go away".
I can only suggest that you tell them you are so sorry for their loss and your heart hurts for them. That you will be there for her to give hugs freely and listen if she ever wants to talk.
The loss of a child is horrible!

6 comments

by clintonmiss22 09 Jul 2015

Well said.

by rachap 09 Jul 2015

How kind of you to share your personal experiences. Unless you have beenthrough something similar you are at a loss of how to help. Your advice will surley be helpful.

by basketkase 09 Jul 2015

Thank you so much, Rescuer, I am at such a loss right now as to how to help......she texted Jim and told him she can't talk about it right now.....so, do I just wait for her to call?

by rescuer 09 Jul 2015

Yes, but make sure she knows you will listen in confidence if she ever needs to talk. So many emotions come...some of it will be anger (at herself or even at her husband). They may blame each other and wonder if they could have only checked on him...
I think you might consider doing embroidery for him with his name on it or "love you forever" something like that...it is much harder than most know to lose a baby. When my baby brother died, it was one of only two times in my childhood I ever saw my dad cry.

by basketkase 09 Jul 2015

That is a terrific idea.........I did make a towel and wash cloth for him when he was born with his name and birthday on it...
Andi loved it.....her husband found him passed away in his crib while she was at work at the vets office........I can't even imagine............

by jbtuck 09 Jul 2015

Perhaps you could make them a angel ornament for Christmas with the babies name on it?